Humorous Quotes
Funny Quotes

There are (19) Humorous Quotes and Funny Quotes on this page.

"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
~Billy Connolly~

"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."
~Will Rogers~

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me."
~Elayne Boosler~

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
~David Bissonette~

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
~George Gobol~ Humorous quotes

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
~Oscar Wilde~

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
~Lyndon B. Johnson~

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
~Bob Hope~

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
~Pearl Williams~

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
~Dan Quayle~

"An intellectual is someone who has found
something more interesting than sex."
~Edgar Wallace~

"She had lost the art of conversation but not,
unfortunately, the power of speech."
~George Bernard Shaw~

"I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~ Humorous quotes

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
~Albert Einstein~

"Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires!
We could buy all kinds of useful things,!"
~Homer J Simpson~

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
~Tommy Lasorda~

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
~Dean Martin~

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
~Rodney Dangerfield~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~Henny Youngman~ Humorous quotes