There are (19) Humorous Quotes and Funny Quotes on this page.
"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me."
"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
~George Gobol~ Humorous quotes
"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
~Lyndon B. Johnson~
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"An intellectual is someone who has found
something more interesting than sex."
"She had lost the art of conversation but not,
unfortunately, the power of speech."
~George Bernard Shaw~
"I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~ Humorous quotes
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
"Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires!
We could buy all kinds of useful things, like...love!"
~Homer J Simpson~
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~Henny Youngman~ Humorous quotes