Funny Life Quotes

Currently (30) Funny Life Quotes on this page. Enjoy!

"Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
~Author Unknown~

"I’ve learned... that life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes."
~Andy Rooney~

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
~Andy Rooney~

"She said she was approaching 40,
and I couldn't help wondering from which direction."
~Bob Hope~ Funny life quotes

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It is already tomorrow in Australia."
~Charles Schulz~

"I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad."
~Emo Philips~

"The cost of living's going up, and the chance of livin's going down."
~Flip Wilson~ Funny life quotes

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
~Groucho Marx~

"I tell you this, and I tell you plain:
What you have done, you will do again;
You will bite your tongue, careful or not,
Upon the already-bitten spot."
~Mignon McLaughlin~

"Anything you lose automatically doubles in value."
~Mignon McLaughlin~

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did,
in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
~Anonymous~ Funny life quotes

"If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you."
~M A Perlstein~

"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only
interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is."
~Milton Berle~

"Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise
should be here during an election campaign."
~Milton Berle~

"Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
~Albert Einstein~

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
~Paul Beatty~

"A person will sometimes devote all his life to the
development of one part of his body; the wishbone."
~Robert Frost~

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
~Rodney Dangerfield~

"You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred."
~Rodney Dangerfield~

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~

"He who believes that the past cannot
be changed has not yet written his memoirs."
~Torvald Gahlin~ Funny life quotes

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
~Louis Hector Berlioz~

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions,
but I don't always agree with them."
~George Bush~

"One of the great things about books is
sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
~George W. Bush~

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
~Fran Lebowitz~

"Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -
it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
~Bill Cosby~ Funny Life quotes

"Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them."
~P. J. O'Rourke~

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city."
~George Burns~

"I always wanted to be somebody,
but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~Lily Tomlin~